i die in the end

Reddit Transphobia Christmas! Ugh..

Oh Reddit, just a picture of a man who looks feminine can so quickly devolve into an orgy of downvotes, privilege mongering, lecturing, transphobia, and offense. Yay 2014! Seriously, I’m pretty well adjusted considering how much I have to see people like me treated as garbage all the time. What other minority than trans women get to be painted as psychopaths, serial killers, freaks, weirdos and disgusting with a straight face in modern society? Well yeah, there are other groups that get shit on, but our lot is pretty bad.

Religious Right’s latest lunacy: Change the Constitution to eliminate ‘myth’ of trans people →

“I think the ideal policy for government with respect to [transgender rights] is that your sex is your biological sex,” Sprigg said. “My view is, that if your biological sex is unambiguous at birth — if your internal sex organs, your external genitalia, and your chromosomal makeup all are unequivocal in declaring you to be of one sex – then that is your sex for life, and that is your only sexual identity that the government will recognize.”

“Unfortunately, we never codified [gender norms], and I think a lot of states just kind of through erosion, through response to pressure from the transgender movement, have gotten to the point where they, first of all, recognize sex changes in terms of people’s identity documents,” Sprigg said. “But now, they’re going further and actually punishing people who also don’t affirm this myth, this fiction, that people can change their sex.”

Trying to dig out of a hole

I am a valuable person, but it’s hard to feel valued in my life. I can’t really get any help from people because I’m pretty much a weirdo. I burn bridges because I’m well dumb and emotional, but I usually have this feeling that someone else started the fire and just didn’t want to know me.

I’m good at art. But no one wants to buy my art. Most young people are pretty broke, and the arts come last I suppose. It sucks having your top demographic be so poor.

Anyway, I’ve been writing a ton of music. I have an EP out called Millennial Me, but I’m moving way beyond that sound now. I’m trying to craft songs on a much higher level now.

My name is Toria. I’m a struggling musician with mental health problems including Cyclothymia and Major Depression who is trying to make something of herself. Being trans, clinically depressed, and having been attacked with emotional trauma for coming out is a lot to handle.

I’m just trying to make it day to day.

Music is my savior. It is my drug. I’m so addicted to it.

I’m lonely.

Bruce Jenner Trans Rabbit Hole of TERROR!!

So Bruce Jenner is maybe trans. Yay! But having to read about it takes my browser to the badlands. TMZ is a domain from which you might not return!

Wait?! Totally inappropriate photos that should never be seen right here?!!

And it’s just one click!!!


Must initiate Firefox shutdown procedure to escape.

Terminal: ps -ef | grep -i firefox

Kill -9!

ok I’m safe again.

for now…

New Project! I need your help and input! Let’s make a difference!

Hey friends listen up! I have a new project, and I want to make it a total killer. I’m going to be doing a kickstarter campaign, and I need your help!!

So two things that are really suffering in America are the arts and transgender children. Well I want to kill two birds with one stone. Well help two birds anyway :D.

I want to finance my next album for Europa Sunset, and I’m going to donate a portion of the proceeds to a charity that is really making a difference for young transgender and gender non-conforming people. We have to bring down the suicide rate! It’s something very near and dear to my heart, and I can’t just sit by.

I write music to try and help people that are struggling in this world, and I want to take my music to an even bigger audience.

So, I need to know what are some great charities that are helping trans people out. Can you drop me a message here on Tumblr or to my email at ToriaSaintJames@gmail.com?

Thanks so much! Let’s do this!

Hey trans-abominations out there! How’s it hanging? or not… So here I go on pontificating about hormones for the knowledge impaired. Testosterone and Estrogen shots or pellets people! Get better health care!

Pariah Me Outcast You

So if you’re transgender or queer or disabled or different in a statistically significant way, you probably have some armor on, or you have in the past. I did. I was bullied, ridiculed, harassed, demeaned, and belittled all because I wanted to wear some different clothes and emote a little differently. What a drag!!

Well, I’m well into my thirties, and I just joined the 41 club. What’s the 41 club? Well, the popular statistic found by The National Transgender Discrimination Survey says that 41% of transgender identifying people attempt suicide in their lifetimes. What?! Yep. Almost half. And I’m about a week out of my dance with the devil. 

Now, I might sound rather cavalier about the fact that I just attempted suicide, but the fact is that I had been thinking about it for a long time. Being transgender has colored my experience so darkly that I got a tattoo of a “Scarlet T” on my shoulder to prove it. I basically was saying “look I know I’m trans, and you think I’m a freak, but I love me! So suck it!” Anyway, so here I am trying to start over, again…

Being transgender means being a pariah. What is a pariah? Dictionary.com defines it as “an outcast or any person or animal that is generally despised or avoided.” We know what it means to be always ready to have to hit the streets and move on. We know the drill. We get it. We’re the problem, and you have the answer.

Well, I’m tired of being an outcast. I’m tired of being rejected. I see the world a little differently, yes, but I’m human. I’m not sorry that I’ve also used drugs and seen the light. You know who else uses drugs? Everyone! Every finger wagging motherfucker in this country is on some kind of drug, and if they aren’t on drugs, they’re on food. Food is a drug. Fast Food is a good drug.

I’ve taken better drugs than the idiots who thump the books, and I’ve also read better books. I’m not afraid of you anymore. I’m not a “druggie;” I’m a citizen. I fucking know how to use a semi-colon and write a pop-rock song for fucks sake. I can handle society. People who smoke weed or drop acid or do any other kind of psychedelic are not the problem. They are part of the answer. Humans have been using psychedelic drugs longer than your books have been around from the Bible to the Bhagavad Gita.

Also, someone born with male genitalia who wants to wear a dress or a skirt is not the problem. Again, transgender people are part of the solution. It’s just clothing. Society is so obsessed with uniform that it makes you think that The Planet of the Apes society was actually more advanced than our shaven ape society. It’s just clothing. Grow up already people. We’re all stuck here on this rock, and we have to get over this stuff.

So I’m gonna be me. I’m gonna walk, yell, scream, parade, and proselytize the good word to everyone I meet. We’re here. We’re queer. We’re not a degenerate cabal bent on world domination. Get over it!

p.s. if anyone knows who runs the transgender degenerate cabal bent on world destruction, could you forward me their email? I can’t get a job, and it’s getting pretty lame since I have all these magic, converting powers and all…

Congress Members Blocked From Wikipedia After Lawmakers Make Several Transphobic Edits →

The Hill reports that disgruntled Wikipedia community moderators took issue with the repeat offender this week after he or she edited the page for the Netflix drama “Orange Is the New Black”, changing a description of Emmy-nominated actress Laverne Cox from “a real transgender woman” to “a real man pretending to be a woman.”

This is the third time this summer that such edits have been made from a specific IP address linked to the House of Representatives.

Kinsey Institute study says straight women have fewest orgasms, straight men have most →

Researchers from the Kinsey Institute conducted a study in the interest of understanding orgasm variation as it relates to sexual orientation and concluded that heterosexual women are the least likely to experience orgasms. They collected data from a total of 6,151 single men and women between the ages of 21 and 65 by means of an internet questionnaire and finally eliminated the sample size to a total of 2,850 who had participated in sexual activity in the previous year leading up to the experiment. “The current study confirms existing findings and advances our understanding of orgasm occurrence among men and women across self-identified sexual orientation categories.” More than seven percent of heterosexual women, or 86 of the survey respondents, suffer from aorgasmica, reporting never reaching orgasm.

I Alone

Alone I sit
and wonder thinking
of days where horror’s on display
as if that were the real today
but yes
it is the screen you type to
the thing that blinks out “Scared Ya!!”s
till you can’t feel your heart beating
because you are numbness
why do people hate me?
why does my own brother plan on slipping in and out of my home town
as if I wouldn’t notice
am I that which is deplorable?
I started all this dancing with the dreams that dreams aspire to
but now I search for someone I haven’t seen on facebook
in a while
and see “add friend?”
not knowing where the minus was first

I have one friend
who nearly hates me
everyone I see
takes rain checks
to berate me

but didn’t you hear about that black trans girl who is nominated for an emmy??!
because emmys take away the “gross out factor” at a job interview
because emmys take away the “no eye contact” at the cash register
because emmys take away the “you weren’t the right fit” rejection letter
because emmys take away the “yes we could date, but DISCRETE!!” responses
because emmys take away the “show me your dick!” chat windows
because emmys take away the “you can’t see your kids” reality

I know there’ll be another new day
where sitting and dreaming brings hopes, not dismay
but how do the hollow men heap all their scorn
while secretly watching their new tranny porn?