i die in the end

Reddit Transphobia Christmas! Ugh..

Oh Reddit, just a picture of a man who looks feminine can so quickly devolve into an orgy of downvotes, privilege mongering, lecturing, transphobia, and offense. Yay 2014! Seriously, I’m pretty well adjusted considering how much I have to see people like me treated as garbage all the time. What other minority than trans women get to be painted as psychopaths, serial killers, freaks, weirdos and disgusting with a straight face in modern society? Well yeah, there are other groups that get shit on, but our lot is pretty bad.

Hey trans-abominations out there! How’s it hanging? or not… So here I go on pontificating about hormones for the knowledge impaired. Testosterone and Estrogen shots or pellets people! Get better health care!

Pariah Me Outcast You

So if you’re transgender or queer or disabled or different in a statistically significant way, you probably have some armor on, or you have in the past. I did. I was bullied, ridiculed, harassed, demeaned, and belittled all because I wanted to wear some different clothes and emote a little differently. What a drag!!

Well, I’m well into my thirties, and I just joined the 41 club. What’s the 41 club? Well, the popular statistic found by The National Transgender Discrimination Survey says that 41% of transgender identifying people attempt suicide in their lifetimes. What?! Yep. Almost half. And I’m about a week out of my dance with the devil. 

Now, I might sound rather cavalier about the fact that I just attempted suicide, but the fact is that I had been thinking about it for a long time. Being transgender has colored my experience so darkly that I got a tattoo of a “Scarlet T” on my shoulder to prove it. I basically was saying “look I know I’m trans, and you think I’m a freak, but I love me! So suck it!” Anyway, so here I am trying to start over, again…

Being transgender means being a pariah. What is a pariah? Dictionary.com defines it as “an outcast or any person or animal that is generally despised or avoided.” We know what it means to be always ready to have to hit the streets and move on. We know the drill. We get it. We’re the problem, and you have the answer.

Well, I’m tired of being an outcast. I’m tired of being rejected. I see the world a little differently, yes, but I’m human. I’m not sorry that I’ve also used drugs and seen the light. You know who else uses drugs? Everyone! Every finger wagging motherfucker in this country is on some kind of drug, and if they aren’t on drugs, they’re on food. Food is a drug. Fast Food is a good drug.

I’ve taken better drugs than the idiots who thump the books, and I’ve also read better books. I’m not afraid of you anymore. I’m not a “druggie;” I’m a citizen. I fucking know how to use a semi-colon and write a pop-rock song for fucks sake. I can handle society. People who smoke weed or drop acid or do any other kind of psychedelic are not the problem. They are part of the answer. Humans have been using psychedelic drugs longer than your books have been around from the Bible to the Bhagavad Gita.

Also, someone born with male genitalia who wants to wear a dress or a skirt is not the problem. Again, transgender people are part of the solution. It’s just clothing. Society is so obsessed with uniform that it makes you think that The Planet of the Apes society was actually more advanced than our shaven ape society. It’s just clothing. Grow up already people. We’re all stuck here on this rock, and we have to get over this stuff.

So I’m gonna be me. I’m gonna walk, yell, scream, parade, and proselytize the good word to everyone I meet. We’re here. We’re queer. We’re not a degenerate cabal bent on world domination. Get over it!

p.s. if anyone knows who runs the transgender degenerate cabal bent on world destruction, could you forward me their email? I can’t get a job, and it’s getting pretty lame since I have all these magic, converting powers and all…

I Alone

Alone I sit
and wonder thinking
of days where horror’s on display
as if that were the real today
but yes
it is the screen you type to
the thing that blinks out “Scared Ya!!”s
till you can’t feel your heart beating
because you are numbness
why do people hate me?
why does my own brother plan on slipping in and out of my home town
as if I wouldn’t notice
am I that which is deplorable?
I started all this dancing with the dreams that dreams aspire to
but now I search for someone I haven’t seen on facebook
in a while
and see “add friend?”
not knowing where the minus was first

I have one friend
who nearly hates me
everyone I see
takes rain checks
to berate me

but didn’t you hear about that black trans girl who is nominated for an emmy??!
because emmys take away the “gross out factor” at a job interview
because emmys take away the “no eye contact” at the cash register
because emmys take away the “you weren’t the right fit” rejection letter
because emmys take away the “yes we could date, but DISCRETE!!” responses
because emmys take away the “show me your dick!” chat windows
because emmys take away the “you can’t see your kids” reality

I know there’ll be another new day
where sitting and dreaming brings hopes, not dismay
but how do the hollow men heap all their scorn
while secretly watching their new tranny porn?

Europa Sunset Saloon →


So I’m doing a rebranding. I have a music project named Europa Sunset, and my new alter ego is Toria Saint James. My current idea is to expand Europa Sunset into a full on web destination. My tagline is “taking sex, drugs, and rock & roll back from the patriarchy.” I want it to be like an old west…

Follow me to your new astral hangout: the Europa Sunset Saloon

(Source: europasunset)

New blog or viva la revolucion

Hey followers! (crickets…)

I’m blogging at EuropaSunset.com now.

It’s my new project to take back sex, drugs, and rock and roll from the consumerist patriarchy.

I’m gonna be doing original content videos, blogging, webcam, music, podcasts, psychedelics, etc.

Yay! Fuck the patriarchy in its tight little ass, with love, and trans dicks.

Machine learning

If a computer had to learn what differentiates males and females, I think its algorithm would be incredibly different based on the group of people it studied. For example if it was using Portland as its sample group, it might look first to facial hair as a large percentage of men here have beards. If it then took this algorithm to LA it might misgender a ton of men without beards as women.

I think it’s important to consider the relativity of gender norms when trying to “pass” as a gender.