Death to the philosophy of hatred and fear. Give birth to a new age of love and respect of all people

Stats (Rough numbers) on Transgender Suicide

  • There are 313,000,000 Americans
  • .3% of Americans identify as Transgender
  • Therefore there are approximately 939,000 trans people in America.
  • 41% of transgender people or 384,990 attempt suicide in their lifetime.
  • 10% of suicides succeed
  • 38,499 people in America can be expected to commit suicide because they are gender non-conforming.
  • These people are artists, engineers, teachers, athletes, businesspeople, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters…
  • They die because boys aren’t supposed to like pink or play with dolls and girls who play sports are all lesbians…
It’s usually kept pretty quiet, but people die all around us that never needed to suffer and hurt because they felt that they didn’t fit in or didn’t laugh the right way or liked the wrong color of clothing. Remember that everyone is different. No one person is like the next. We all have our own color to play on the rainbow of life.

It’s usually kept pretty quiet, but people die all around us that never needed to suffer and hurt because they felt that they didn’t fit in or didn’t laugh the right way or liked the wrong color of clothing. Remember that everyone is different. No one person is like the next. We all have our own color to play on the rainbow of life.

Being Transgender in America

   You don’t choose to be black. You don’t choose to be white. You don’t choose to be gay, and you most definitely do not choose to be transgender. You are transgender. It is who you are. The only choice that a transgender person has to make is whether or not to live among the slings and arrows as oneself or to die and not be. Being transgender is not a joke. Being transgender is not a game. Being transgender is not a fetish. Being transgender is life or death.

   I have to get up every day and be a proper person, in spite of the challenges with which I am faced. I have to be a productive member of society and pay my bills and go to work just like everybody. I work hard to advance my career as an IT engineer by taking graduate course work towards a Master’s in Computer Information Systems. I take pride in knowing that I am able to provide for my children and give them advantages, even though I cannot see them because of court order and my ex’s unwillingness to provide visitation.
   I get up and write this blog to provide an example for other less fortunate people like me. I know that there are thousands upon thousands of young transgender people with no one to look up to. They are confused and scared. I try and be a role model, knowing that my reach is not that far.
   Some of my day is rather normal. I have a great boss. I have good coworkers. I love my family, and I talk to my mom as much as I can. She is truly my role model in how to be a kick-ass woman in America. My dad is awesome too. Being transgender and myself has really shown me what amazing parents I have. When I was confused and in the closet, I took a lot of pain out on them and blamed them for things they shouldn’t have been blamed for. But now, I know who my real supporters are.
   But I have to put up with a lot of shit. I’ve compartmentalized it and moved forward, but there is a ton of friction in my day to day. Although most transgender people are aware that the majority of people do not want to do harm to us, there exists a sizable minority that does explicitly want to do ill to our people and might envision a world devoid of our existence. Make no mistake, the transgender person in the twenty-first century America is the Juden of Nazi Germany that needs to be eradicated from existence [Edit: I could have used a less used metaphor here I know, but I had trouble finding a better one]. Western society would be so much happier if it didn’t have to deal with this troubling problem. Western society would be elated if every baby was heterosexual and cisgender. You can’t dance around this fact. Any system that glorifies the binary of extreme male and extreme female to the degree that we see today would be thrilled if there were no outliers. There is a false pretense that all genders are welcome, but if you look squarely at the gender propaganda beaming from any screen, the binary of male and female is the paramount ideal.

   As I was writing this post, I got a pop-up from that showed me a response to a comment I made about the American legal system and how money can control the outcome. My comment was this:

"Oh yeah, money money money baby. My case is pretty small, but I’ve been fighting to see my kids for two years, and I can’t see them because I’m transgender, but the other side has a big bankroll, so they just stalled me out until my legal bills were too much and I had to quit. Fun Times!"

   And then I get to see this pop up on my desktop. America, this is my world. This is what I see:
    So this is what I get to deal with America. Yes, there are wonderful, good-hearted people who are tolerant of all genders and sexual orientations, but they are largely silent next to the glaring, blasting hatred that is showered down on us day after day. This is the reality that I and we see. We are strong, but we are not supermen or women. Words like these cut deep and remind us of tragic realities. This particular stab comes at the end of a weekend where I saw pictures of my two boys for the first time in eighteen months. I waited and asked for pictures for eighteen long months and was met with silence, until I found a way to get them off of a public Facebook account. I’ve begged for a phone call or video chat. I’ve sent email after email to their lawyer asking for some sort of communication with the boys that I knew and I held and I rocked to sleep. I would sing to my older boy as I rocked him to sleep “all is well…all is good…” before they were taken from me.

   I’m used to it now. I have a very thick skin. I try my best to be loving and friendly to everyone in spite of my travails. I think I do ok. I’ve learned to just take each day as it comes. It’s terribly difficult to plan and map out the future when your life is such a roller coaster of emotion. I definitely don’t have the zest for life of a young person; I figure I’ve aged about a decade in the last two years, mentally and spiritually. But I will walk on.

   I am a transgender woman in America.

Op-ed: Jared Leto and the T Word →

   There is a new movie coming out called Dallas Buyers Club (click the link for the trailer) where Jared Leto stars as a transgender woman named Rayon. This is based on a true story. It details the fight for AIDS drugs that were not yet approved by the FDA in the early eighties when the disease was at its most disturbing point.

    Anywho… this article correctly points to the media’s total lack of grace and professionalism whenever they try and refer to any transgender person. We all have our stories of how we’ve suffered the onslaught of verbal artillery reigning down upon us a la “Did you know that he was a transvestite that wanted to do tranny drag but was stopped by the fact that he was a transsexual man?!” 

   I think Jared Leto is an artist. I would bestow such a title on few actors of notoriety, but his past performances have shown him to be a sensitive and subtle actor. Plus he’s hot…

But in the end,

Death to the T word!!

Tim Miller, my Queer Hero, Queero?

   Growing up in a relatively conservative family can be a little bit of a bummer for a hopelessly transgender feminine flower such as myself. However, one flower can spy another flower, another familial flower that has pushed through the mulched muck of dogmatic suffering to bloom a bright corona.

   In other words, my second cousin, Tim Miller, was the first person I told that I was transgender. If you don’t know who he is, look him up, because he is a pioneer. Your freedom to be queer rests upon the toil and pain and sacrifice of our forefathers mothers and forequeers.

   In life, we are afforded in our brain only so many slots for heroes and heroines. One of those slots in my cluttered mess of a consciousness is filled by Mr. Miller. Growing up queer in the 80’s and hearing musings of a family member who was “out there” and “obscene” was just the fuel enough to keep me going, thinking that someone else had escaped the oppression, the nightmare.

    Now, we’ve come to be great friends, and I’ve watched as Tim has seen his toil and work come to full fruition as he was able to legally marry his lifelong love Alistair McCartney this year in California. With the abolition of the Defense of Marriage Act, his husband Alistair, an Australian citizen, was able to finally apply for a Green Card after 19 years of fully committed love. Alistair had risked deportation for this entire time, all due to his choice of partner and source of love.

    Here’s to you Tim! Cuz.

<3 Abbie

El Mundo es Plano | The World is Flat

Mis vecinos Mexicanos son teniendo una fiesta que ha durado dos dias. Debe ser un gran evento. La musica es fuerte, pero no me importa. Celebre!

I’m an American. I was born in a city called San Luis Obispo, which is named after Saint Louis the Bishop (Obispo). I grew up working around latinos y latinas. I have a very special place in my corazon for the latin peoples of Norte America.

I’m also descended from generations of very, very white people. I have done my genetic ethnicity, and I am about 50% Scandinavian with Celtic and Italian mixed in for the rest.

I am transgender too. The whole ethnological stew from which we came is like a perfect fractal that as placed me here as Abbie.

So I say





my life as a transsexual: So you wanna transition from male to female? →




Step 1. Become a Professional Shaver, like AAA certified Shaving Master.


True fucking story……

I’m not sure whether I agree or not. It just depends on your beard growth. I know guys with little to no visible beard shadow or even beard growth…

Well, I guess I do have to count myself among the “lucky” when I say that my body hair is not as much as yours. I have had 7 laser treatments, and I still have to shave. I need to get back under the laser, but funds have been tight.

I feel for those with much greater hair growth problems than I. :(

Oh, it’s 6am, should I go to the local coffee shop before or after I shave? Hmm…

The crazy mixed up lives of the 21st century transgender girls!

(via ninafelwitch)

I Posted This in June of 2012 the Day After Getting Destroyed in Court With my Custody Battle

After the judgment was made in the court in Ventura, California that heaped another pile of misfortune on my shoulders (I can’t remember the exact details but basically the ruling kept my two boys from me), but I wandered back to my car, laid down in the back seat and cried for about half an hour. I was broken. I posted this the next day. I might get knocked down, and I have been, but I will never give up fighting to see my kids of whom I haven’t seen a picture in 18 months.

Get Back Up and Dust Yourself Off

Get up! Get up! Get up!

When one of us gets knocked out. We bounce back!

Let’s be each other’s coach in the corner.

Screaming “You can! You can!”

And when you’re down, so are their defenses.

Spring back and give ‘em hell!

Over it (for now)

I’m sick of being transgender or more specifically “complicated.” I’ll get over it, but I’m tired. Being 1 in 500 or whatever gets really old. Everyone treats me like a curiosity. It’s so lame. I’m tired of telling my fucking story to everyone I meet. I don’t ask for their trials and tribulations.

Suck it world! Where is my time machine?!

Harry Benjamin - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia →

Harry Benjamin was probably the founding father of transgender endocrinology. He worked though the twentieth century with many high profile transgender people such as Christine Jorgensen and established the standards of care that are the bedrock of current transgender therapy. Although there are flaws with the model, and it is somewhat dated, any transgender person should acquaint themselves with this pioneer. He led the way to build the thriving worldwide community of transgender people that we have today.

Proof of being transgender

Some people are like “it’s a choice!!” yeah whatever. Well, here’s a little tidbit. I transitioned starting a little over two years ago, and before that I was pretty much an emotional robot. I get it that men are less emotional than women, but my emotionometer was barely lifting the needle.

Now. Now… I have so much god damned emotion that it’s almost unbearable at times. I’m whipped around from left to right. My heart is trampled and then nourished and then broken again. Ohhhh the agony!

But, this seems a lot more like living ought to be than how I was doing before. This is color! and sound! and that was just blah…

Fox News hosts shocked by transgender rights: ‘I can’t get my head around this’ | The Raw Story →

Michelle Malkin is a sad, sad woman. She has robed herself in the phony patriotic flag of fear and hatred to make a buck and pimp her brand. And sad women like Michelle make real hurting girls and boys terribly sad because they are castigated and demeaned daily and ritually by a system that is more interested in conformity than personal expression.

I’m sad for Michelle. She must be terribly self-conscious to have to yell so loudly how correct she is.

Poor, sad Fox News. I’m not being sarcastic, I’m seriously saddened that these people are so filled with confusion and fear that they have to resort to these kinds of histrionics.

Oh well. Sad America lumbers on. Leaving its most beautiful children on the wayside because they don’t “fit.”

In Jamaica, Transgender Teen Killed by Mob →

There is a dark and phobic world in Jamaica. Good to know. I never would have thought about where to travel when I was a white male. Now, I don’t know when I’ll leave the U.S.